Like many women with a less than cordial relationship with her bathroom scale, I’m aware that I have a natural weight, the number my body veers toward when I forget I am on a diet. And now, after 14+ years of parenting, I’ve come to believe that I also have a natural inner parent, the one who I always seem to resort to being, despite my attempts to heed the advice of parenting books and articles, and other apparently “better” parents.
This occurred to me during the past week as I’ve pondered how to motivate my ninth-grade son to be less of what his English teacher calls “a minimalist” and what I call a plain, old under-achiever. With report cards issued and parent-teacher conferences underway, I’ve heard some parents talk about how they react to grades they believe are too low (which is often different from a universally acknowledged “bad” grade). There are phones and laptops taken away, video game privileges revoked, and even grounding.
I have considered such steps, too, but ultimately I hesitate – and not only because I’m not sure those methods work. I hesitate because after all these years, I’m getting to know myself as a parent. While I might look at other (stricter) parents with envy, thinking that they have the answers to automatically get their wayward teens in line, I know that I can only parent….as I parent. Which is to say that if were graded on “consistently enforcing rules,” I would get a B-minus, at best. On punishing, I’d probably do even worse.
My son knows it, too. When his friend’s mother asked the other day if he ever got grounded, my son said “naah, my Mom knows it doesn’t work.” He might have meant that getting grounded wouldn’t motivate him to work harder in school, but I think he also meant that we both know that grounding doesn’t work for me. I’m sort of like those goofy parents in the movie Easy A who can’t say “you’re grounded!” without laughing.
Going with my inner parent would be easier, of course, if I didn’t have doubts, which it seems that all parents of teenagers have, particularly if they ever converse with other parents. This weekend, when a mother of older teens told me that yes, she punishes disappointing grades by taking away cell phones, computers and television privileges, I went on my typical roller-coaster of doubt and started thinking perhaps I really should do the same. But when I asked her if the punishment works, and she said “Absolutely, we do it all the time,” I couldn’t help asking myself the obvious question: if you have to do it all the time, how is it working?
This brought me right back to where I am and need to be: muddling through in the way that comes naturally to me, and makes sense for my child. I am not a total slacker – I am trying to help my son with time management and discipline and meeting higher expectations. I will continue to seek out and try new methods that make sense to me. But to try to turn into a different kind of parent is a sure way to fail both myself and my child. He has to follow his path, and I have to follow mine.
I parent much as you describe yourself – following my own path, and teaching my just-turned 16 year old daughter to rise to her own expectations of herself, without constant disciplining. And I’m criticized for it by others who say I’m not “parenting”. I hate that. It works well, and teaches her self-reliance and self-sufficiency. That’s not to say I don’t monitor or help when needed, but I don’t interfere. She knows what’s expected in terms of responsibile behavior, and always has known. The one time she stayed out way late and didn’t call, I grounded her. I didn’t know what else to do. And she was thrilled to be grounded, which was bizarre, but she’s been conscious of always staying in touch ever since. I’m rambling, I know, but I wanted YOU to know that I appreciate your post and your parenting attitude. I think I’ll have to blog about this myself soon.
Thanks – good to know there are others out there going through the same thing! Last year I was way more involved in checking up on my son’s homework and grades (the school has a portal which gives you real time info on their grades) and it caused a lot of tension and fights and, more important, didn’t make a positive difference in his grades. This year I’m backing off more, which is working better, although there is still room for improvement. And now I’m going to check out your blog!
I think you did well as a child who lived the same method in childhood. I guess that makes you a well rounded person
Real wisdom here. We can only parent as we feel comfortable and we will always have self doubt. Once we accept these two facts we will become better parents, but as you suggest, that self acceptance is oh so difficult. I am not sure when it is all said and done, if we can ever be really certain what worked and what didn’t. The only thing I hope I can say is that I tried my best.
Dear Grown and Flown, you are so right — and it’s all our kids should really expect from us, too, that we try our best.
I am in the same boat with my oldest son in terms of his underachieving. He was a stellar student up until 2nd semester 8th grade (there were some weird situations to which he reacted, well, immaturely) and it took him until the second semester in his sophomore year to regain momentum. All I know is when we punished him, life at home was not pleasant, his attitude deteriorated, and it didn’t do much good. We are surrounded by Tiger Moms and punishment is what worked for their kids, but it certainly did not work for our family. I decided I would rather have a pleasant home life and backed off. His grades have improved, and are still improving (he’s a junior). I pray for a good college that recognizes an upward trajectory. He’s in honors classes and will have a couple of AP classes under his belt by the time he graduates, but he did lost some steam. On the other hand, he learned how to self-manage as well as advocate for himself and I am confident he will do well once he gets to college because of those life skills.
Also, we try desperately to minimize electronics as I believe they are addicting and attention-shortening. Rather than constantly saying “no,” we are trying to substitute new activities, like taking the dog to obedience training. A friend who raised her kids about 10-15 years before me said she is so thankful she didn’t have to deal with cell phones, tablets, texting, wi-fi, computers in bedrooms, etc. She is a director of an elementary school and clearly sees the stresses electronic devices put on families.
I love the “inner parent” we should all listen to more! I have two boys and the older one has a pattern of under-achieving in one subject, but he over-achieves in two others – so we let it go. And as for grounding – I couldn’t agree more. It’s not me. But I did use it once, with my 16 year old and I stuck to it for a month which was so hard on me. But the uncharacteristic incident which caused it made me do it. I am pretty sure I’ll never have to do it again – with either kid – so it was worth it.
I expect I’ll find that there is a time when grounding is warranted – just not for homework. I hope when I get to that point, which I’m sure with two boys is inevitable, that my inner parent wants to ground them too!
I just found this blog as I was looking on tips and support for dealing with teenage boys (I have 4 children, two are boys 13 and 15). We have a rule that if their GPA falls below a 3.0 (B) they don’t earn extra video game time. They get one hour a day, but if grades are good they earn an extra hour. So instead of taking away they earn privileges. This seemed to work somewhat, but now my 15 year old doesn’t care about two classes that are hard for him. I sympathize because I’m bad and math and science too…but can’t find a motivator other than empathizing and trying to make it through.
First of all, welcome and thanks for reading my blog! As my boys get older, I realize that there is no way to force them to care about studying. My older son tends to be a bit lazy about his schoolwork, doing the minimum to get decent grades rather than pushing harder to get really excellent grades. I’ve come to see that it’s a slow progression — I can’t turn him into a stellar student overnight but as long as I see some progress, some maturing and taking responsibility, I am trusting that in time he will understand the rewards that come from doing your best. We talk about it a lot, but I haven’t found any “trick” that motivates him. I try to point out how good he feels when he does well after working hard, but let him find his own way. It’s not easy to let kids figure it out themselves, but I think it’s ultimately what works best.