I was raised to never, ever open someone else’s mail. And I don’t. Even letters to my husband or children that I know contain information that is really meant for me sit on the kitchen counter until their intended recipient gets home and opens the envelope.
But electronic communication? Momma never said anything about that.
And so I confess: I have spied on my children’s email, their text messages and Facebook chats. At first it wasn’t really spying, because I told them I would do it. I let my oldest son have a Facebook account just before he started middle school so that he could keep in touch with a best friend who had moved to Nepal. For nearly a year, his only Facebook friends were the kid who moved away, his mother and me. When my boys got a laptop to share, I told them that I’d do “spot checks” from time to time and that they could not close the screen or the computer when I walked into the room. The same rule applied to their cellphones and their texts.
They didn’t really mind, because they were in that stage of development somewhere between having to narrate your every waking thought to your mother and refusing to tell her even the most mundane facts of your daily existence. And I didn’t spot-check often; life is too short to comb through how little a 12-year-old can say in eighty or ninety text messages with a friend.
When my older son started sixth grade, I went to a lecture at the middle school on internet safety. The school social worker went over the general rules that parents should underscore with their children. She urged parents to learn about the most popular social media sites. And then she said that as children approach and enter high school, parents should not spy on their children’s texts or Facebook pages. “It will erode your child’s trust in you,” she said, adding that teens annoyed by being spied on will probably just create new social media accounts that their parents don’t know about.
The room imploded.
Some parents looked sheepish, suddenly embarrassed about snooping around their children’s Facebook pages. Others were furious; how dare this social worker tell them not to keep tabs on what their children were doing and saying online. One indignant woman stood up and said “I pay for the computer. I pay for the phones. It’s my house, and in my house there is NO privacy until you are 18 years old!” Others said they felt they had a responsibility to protect their children from being victimized on the internet by cyber-bullies or internet predators or from getting themselves into serious trouble by sharing things they shouldn’t. Some agreed that nothing brings home the point that the internet is never truly private like knowing that Big Mother is watching.
At the time, I was a parent of a fourth-grader and a sixth-grader whose internet activity was minimal. I told myself that when they got older, I would respect their privacy. I remembered talking on the phone for hours when I was a teenager, stretching the cord across the hall and into my room and closing the door; I certainly hadn’t wanted my mother picking up and listening in. Why should I do essentially the same by looking at my sons’ written messages with friends?
And yet. It’s not that easy. Nothing, in fact, piques a parent’s curiosity — and suspicion — like having their teenager unfriend them on Facebook. Trust me, I know. Which brings me to the occasional “glancing” at a Facebook page left open on my son’s computer. I know I’m not alone — a survey earlier this year by the security software company AVG Technologies found that 60 percent of U.S. parents of teenagers have looked at their kids’ social accounts without their knowledge. And moms are most likely to be the ones doing the spying.
It’s possible that fear — of cyber-bullying, or internet predators, or the thought (gasp) of your own child sexting — is what drives parents to snoop. But I think it’s more than that. I think parents are driven by the desire to know more about a child who, in becoming an adolescent, has become frustratingly unknowable, who is so eager to push us out. How easy to just click our way back in.
My older son is starting high school in the fall. He has never been particularly open about his thoughts and feelings, but lately it seems the more I ask, the less he answers. Snooping may have seemed, at times, like a shortcut. But it’s not. I know that wherever spying takes me, it won’t take me to a trusting and honest relationship with my son. I can’t say that if I ever have a real reason to suspect he is in trouble that I won’t sacrifice his privacy. But without probable cause, I am going to have to trust that he is innocent, that all he is doing on Facebook is growing up.
What about you? Have you ever spied on your teenager? How much privacy do your children have?
Image via NancyDrewSleuth.com
I’m 19, I got my first phone at thirteen, my first instant messenger account at twelve and my facebook at 16 when some friends moved abroad. I’ve always been a really private person, but I’ve also always shared the important things with my parents. They’ve never spied on me or checked my messages and I never got into any trouble. My parents just always established an open line of communication, and that they were always there to listen.
I think when restrictions and rules are piled on, teens only work harder to find ways around them. As far as porn and sons, as long as they aren’t children, or hulled up in their room 24/7 doing questionable things constantly, I don’t think I’d care. I figure boys have looked at some sort of porn for decades. If it’s under their virtual matress and not out in the open, oh well.
That being said I’ve always been freaked out by 8,9,10 year olds etc. with facebooks/cell phones. Let kids be kids. They should be at the park, not farmville.
Those are my thoughts
I hope you find the balance.
My mother always taught me not to read anyone’s mail or snoop on their personal things. When cell phones and computers entered our lives, I was about 6 or 7 years old (I am 21 now), and she also taught me not to spy on anyone’s messages or calls. When I got a phone, at age 14 or 15, she never looked in it. She trusts how she raised me, I suppose, and she is mostly right about it
Kids are too young to understand the long term consequences of making mistakes on the internet. The internet is When “going together” for three months constitutes a long-term relationship, it’s clear they don’t have a concept of “forever.” I don’t have an issue with parents checking up on their kids to make sure they aren’t ruining their lives.
Kids need parents to supervise and guide them. I can’t count the number of times I have seen kids on my friend list post their phone number or address on their Facebook page. Because it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You did the right thing by checking up on your child.
Good job Mom! Parenting isn’t easy, letting go is harder. Eventually, the kids become your keepers. All you can do is hope you have maintained an open loving relationship throughout the years. Never be afraid to tell them you love them and do it often.
My kids are now all young adults and I took the stance all the years with all the kids that privacy is a basic respectful action and needs to be shown to your kids if you want to earn their respect and if you want to teach them respect. Kids need it, especially teenagers. There is a difference between being involved and informed and snooping and it’s the snooping that causes the damage. The family computer was (is) in the dining room in full view of everyone. I had all the passwords and they knew if I suspected something funny or dangerous, I reserved the right to check. I think I checked on one kid once and that’s about it. Bedrooms were the same. I knew what was going on but I showed basic respect and didn’t inspect their rooms. At the end of the day, you need to trust your instincts. If you’re checking because you’re worried because your child is a teenager, well, that’s not maybe the best reason. If there are behavioural or attitude issues that have emerged or changes in peer groups or secretive behaviour (you know, above and beyond normal teenage stuff), then absolutely start checking. You have to pay as much attention to what you’re doing and why as to what your child is doing. They do need space to figure things out and grow and learn and giving them that space is good for them. Finding the balance between how much space and how much supervision can be a challenge at times but it’s worth it to aim for it.
Wow, such an interesting post and definitely difficult to know the “right” answer. Especially that I’m not a mother yet, it’s so hard to know. I can do all the judging and speculating I want, but I’m sure once I have my own kid it will be a whole other ballgame.
I think I’d be afraid of what I might find on my kid’s FB or whatnot. I might see something that I think is inappropriate but it’s just that I’ve forgotten that’s what kids think/do when they’re growing up and don’t know any better. Even though I’m “only” 30, I realize how much my perspective has changed from 10 years ago. How I look at ppl that age or younger and shake my head at them — when I was just like that!!
So that’s my first thought on spying my (future) kids’ online life. I guess there has to be some kind of balance. Some way to show them you do trust them and teach them what respecting privacy means, while still ensuring that they’re not going on some REALLY inappropriate sites or engaging with undesirables on the internet.
Just how you do that …. *sigh* I don’t know just yet …
Great post. This is a major issue facing parents today and there are no hard and fast rules for what to do. However, like any lesson you want to teach your children, the earlier you start talking about these issues, the fewer issues you will have in the long run.
As a nineteen year-old, I am not mature enough to know a lot about the subject, but I can certainly comment on my own experiences and the arisen feelings THUS FAR. I was one of those people who created a separate, “secret” social media account that my parents were unaware of. It’s really just a phase of wanting privacy, and unless your child does drugs or has one of those partying lifestyles, I really don’t see the point of spying. When I went to college, I naturally “grew up” and didn’t care if my parents saw my facebook. I think the differs for every family’s situation, but for me, I just wanted to know that my parents trusted me… and I wanted the privilege of having privacy… because whether or not I am a child, I am still a human being with rights.
You are 100% right. You are responsible for this human being and it is your moral obligation to watch out for them. I installed Spectorsoft and spied, spied, spied.
And guess what?
My 21 yo son, who wasn’t at all happy at the time, now thanks me for it. He says I was an amazing mother and he feels sorry for his friends whose mothers didn’t care enough to watch out for them. Social workers are stupid. Keep doing the right thing.
And thanks for coming by my blog today. Your comment on my about me video made my day!
Reblogged this on AshbourneVoice.
I always think back to when I was a teenager – I didn’t have the internet, I didn’t have a mobile phone. Inevitably there were lots of conversations with friends that my parents knew nothing about – Facebook and chat rooms are only a technology which makes conversation easier and also, unfortunately, makes it easier to snoop. You wouldn’t dream of hanging around listening in to their conversations with friends would you? I did have secrets from my parents and one of the greatest talents my parents had was to occasionally turn a blind eye and give me the freedom to make mistakes. They could do it knowing they’d passed on the basics and trusting me that I’d make the right decisions. One of the hardest things as a parent (I am one with two teenage children) is to let go. Children do deserve privacy.
I willingly let my parents know about my blog but they respect my privacy as well. However, I’m no longer a kid so perhaps this is different.
Parenting is even not easy nowadays. We, everyone should take a lesson for family education.
Great post! Parenting is the hardest job in life, hands down. There are no straight-forward answers out there for raising your kids, and who the heck really knows what you are doing right, and what you’re not? I’ve always felt that talking to your kids, from a very early age, is so very important. They need to know you are engaged in what they did in school, as well as their interests in other things. They may not always discuss all the details, but at least you are opening up the door. And it is my opinion, that there sometimes is a time and place for peeping; especially if it involves their wellbeing. ***Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!***
No harm can result from knowing what sites a person visited. because of our economy, we’re socail forced to feel affraid of something about the internet. I don’t think any of us would pay the fee if we had any greater knowledge of how computers function. A persons real problem is the shady people going betind their boundries to get that browesing info, or to persuade us into pointless marketing deals.
I got lucky. I have six kids and have being going at it alone for the past 4 years. There is no way I can monitor all of their internet activity and feel it would be insane for me to try. I say I got lucky because I brought them up with full-disclosure. Which includes my life too. Because of that, they feel they can tell me everything that’s going on. A lot of times, it’s TMI, actually. As far as Facebook, I had to delete one of my teenage girls as a friend. I explained that if she was going to use bad language, it was my right to not have to read it. She has expressed regret that we are not friends, we can’t play games and she misses out on a lot of news her brother and sisters get to see. I unfriended another one of my girls, my 16 year old, several months ago, she posted something I felt was disrespectful about me because we had had an argument. A week later, she was begging me to accept her friend request, swore she’d never post badly again. I accepted a couple of weeks later and she has kept true to her word. I feel the big-mother stuff doesn’t have to happen if you have an open relationship with your child from the get-go. If I feel they are taking a risk, or making a bad decision about something online, I offer my opinion and explain possible consequences of that action–then let them decide. 9 times out of 10, they go with me. The other 1 time, they tell me later that they wish they had.
The same goes in real life. Great article, Karen!
Interesting — I wonder if you’ve found it different with girls vs. boys. I can’t imagine my boys being upset to be unfriended by me, but perhaps that’s just their stage of life right now as they push away. But six kids, geez. I can’t imagine!
I only have one son, he’s the oldest and is now 18. Take heart, he pushed away, I respected that, and now he’s back.
Awesome post
I don’t have kids yet …but when I do have them, I intend to let them be the way they are.. I’l try focussing on breaking the ice with them so that they have me whenever they need help yet, wouldn’t want their choices to be ‘let me stay safe’ choices…
Mistakes always are a gr8 way to learn & saving them from mistakes or trying to protect them from getting hurt always may not be such a good idea for me..
So i guess, I’l love to focus more on being there for them, creating an openness cuz of which they can share their mind with me rather than hide stuff or feel awkward..
Dunno how Il act then, but I intend to do all of this. beautiful post and I love what u said.. Respecting their trust
Cheers
Shraddha
I am sure Indian parents would agree to you. The speed at which internet and social media is penetrating, parents have found themselves one step behind their kids. Haven’t come across any parent who has been peeping into their children’s social media accounts. But yes, this is a big concern among Indian parents as even criminals find targets online, especially girls.
Kids have to be watchful while posting important information about their lives, photos of their house or any other information that might help criminals. Parents need to educate their child on the flipside of social media.
I really got alot out of this post and the comments. The big take away is that I am not alone trying to navigate these teen years. I raised 3 daughters to adulthood in a small rural town in Montana twenty years ago. Their social media was a party line with 3 other families (one family had 11 kids!) Now I have a 13 year son who is only beginning to have interest in facebook and such. I believe this – teenhood has changed drastically but teens haven’t. They still need boundaries, they still need a solid, respectful relationship with their parents and they need to understand that trust is reciprocal and fragile. They also have an underdeveloped frontal lobe which means parents need to be that for them at times. It is a fine line between spying and protecting and which each kid and at each phase in a teen’s life that line may change. I also know this – it is possible to survive the teen years and still have a life and sanity and peace. Thanks for the post.
This is an especially interesting topic to read as a nineteen year old. My mother didn’t let me on the Internet until I was around nine to ten years old, at which point she made me an e-mail so that I would be able to create an account on Neopets. Since there is an age policy on Neopets, people under the age of 18 were required to have a parent’s e-mail approval to sign up. Of course, there’s always the opportunity to create an additional e-mail for yourself to bypass that rule, but at around nine years old, I didn’t think that extensively about it. I just wanted to play with virtual animals. So I signed up with my mother’s full consent and she was updated via e-mail about my virtual animals (i.e.: were I feeding them enough or were they starving?) It was only until I hit puberty that my mother grew increasingly suspicious of my Internet presence, to the point where she would stand behind me as I surfed the web and not budge until half and hour later. Now, I can honestly say that I was doing no wrong on the Internet. At worst, I probably spent too much time playing online games, but I wasn’t streaming pornography or talking to older men. So to say that I was offended by her obvious snooping would be an understatement. If anything, it made me lose my trust in her to the point where I created alternative accounts (unknown to her) just to keep her at bay. Add to that the fact that she wasn’t communicating her worries with me and we have a recipe for failure. Now that I am older, I understand the good intentions she had. But as the saying goes, if it isn’t broken – don’t try to fix it. It only takes a daily conversation for parents to know if their kids are involved good or bad activities. Once you have that down (and trust me, sometimes that’s all it takes to gain your teenager’s trust), you won’t feel the need to be bothered by the idea of snooping.
I feel as a teenager I love it when I am trusted enough for my conversations with my friends to be kept private and when I am trusted I become even more open to sharing information about my life (online and offline) to my parents.I completely understand safety concerns by parents, or the thought of getting to know your teenager better (but believe me when I say this, that is the worst way to go about it) .I feel that if your teenager has given you no reason to not trust them, why would want to be so over involved? I think that is it great that you care for your kids so much but just as much as you love having “grow up talk” we love having “teenager talk” and it’s just not that same when you know your mom/dad is going to be combing through it after judging what you and your friends said.
My main point is that if you believe that you child is in trouble or is doing troubling things by all means find out everything you can and help them out! but if your child has given you no reason to be concerned give them some privacy and ensure they know that privacy is earned (not earned by an age but by actions) not given.
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