I can think of no better way to launch this blog than by posting this video that captures the particular bliss of conversing with a typical teen-aged boy.
Don’t you just love the relentless cheer of the father as he tries to connect?
The first time I saw this video was about four years ago, when my children still loved to tell me what was rumbling through their minds. I thought the video was funny, but a little bit irrelevant. My boys, I figured, would grow up to be talkers, pleading at bed-time for me not only to tickle their backs, but to stay a little longer and talk a little more about their hopes and dreams as they segued from wanting to play on the Yankees to wanting a particular girl to pay attention to them.
What was I thinking? I was thinking like a woman who grew up in a household of girls and knew nothing about boys. For me, a good conversation is a soul-baring, intimate affair, when you share insecurities and fears and get a little bit closer to each other. You tell secrets.
Now I am learning that a conversation with a teen-aged boy often doesn’t involve words at all. Sometimes when I’m reading at night, my older son will throw himself onto my bed, mumble about wanting to “talk” and then proceed to say nothing at all. He’ll tell me to ask him questions and when I do, he’ll refuse to answer. I used to find this frustrating, until I realized that this was his way of connecting. Just being with me. So now when he flops onto my bed, I put down my book. I give him little snapshots of my day, or gently ask questions about his baseball practice or one of his teachers. I rub his back, or if I’m in a good mood, give him a foot massage. And I remind myself that words aren’t the only way to connect.
For a long time my son’s conversation-opener was “What’s your favorite Star Wars character?” After a while I figured out that I should just play along and be happy for the connection, even if it didn’t involve the soul-baring secrets I expected.
DOING things with him- basketball, having a catch, wrestling even, are where I see the connection happen. And I think I have finally accepted that I will not get ANY response to any question during waking hours, but that little sliver of time at bedtime, in the dark, can be magic. Maybe he’s stalling, but sometimes, I’ll take it. I find out what’s REALLY going on.
Erin, yes – and sometimes it’s even doing things as mundane as watching TV together. The other day my oldest was happy to re-watch the first few episodes of Lost with me. I didn’t like the show as much as I liked that he wanted me to watch it with him.
Just got off the phone with one of my teenage sons and feel compelled to comment.
Me: When did you get up?
Son:12
Me: What are you doing?
Son:nothing
Me: Are you going to do anything with your friends today?
Son: Don’t know
Me:Who will call?
Son: people
I realize this is going no where and say see you later which I know I won’t because he’ll be with “people”. Help!
Linda, love it! At least you don’t have to worry that while you’re not home you are missing quality heart-to-hearts with your son!
Great blog Karen — finding myself in very similar situations — even when I do need that downtime, I find them piled on my bed (often on one another) and remember that it won’t be long that they will even want to do that. I was never one to get emotional at moving ups from nursery to elementary to middle school, but as my eldest creeps ever closer to college, I find myself wistful that the time they will be here (well hopefully after college they will go off on their own) is drawing to a close in a few years………..
I know, Kristin, I am more conscious of it, too. Something about having one start high school makes you aware of how quickly it goes, and how fast they change. My challenge will be not to get too indulgent of them in my fear that soon they will disappear!
I’ve got an 8-year-old who has just started to eye-roll and use the word “sexy” (applied to a baseball) and drop my hand like a hot potato when anyone remotely close to his age comes into view. On the other hand, he also just told me that “alcohol makes you lose your mind” and “sexing” is when “a man and a woman pee into each other’s weenies” so he’s still talking to me — and making me laugh. Not for long I guess. Thanks, Karen, for the great blogs and the signposts to the road ahead.
A sexy baseball? That I’ve got to see! Don’t worry, Sue, even when he’s not sharing such pearls of wisdom with you, I’m sure he’ll still make you laugh. You’ll just have to do it behind his back.
Enjoyed the video. I watched it with my teenage daughter and she also thought it was funny. I’m launching a blog within the next month that will focus on parenting teens and my career relaunch as as writer. Glad to find a like-minded blog.
Hi Vilma – it’s great to be able to laugh with your teen-ager, especially when laughing at typical teen-aged behavior. I look forward to reading your blog. Good luck!